Actually, you swore you would never get involved with women after the last separation! They have hurt you extremely and you are sure that all other women are the same. They can be stolen from you now!
Guest author Manuela Komorek of Systemic Couple Therapy
But after the first extreme phase, the excerpt and arrival in your own apartment, you always come back to the idea that it might still be worth a try. While there are not many relationships in your environment that are going great, those few let you hope.
How you get from the total frustration back to the lust for flirting, shows you this article.
First, it is urgently necessary to understand the separation really well, otherwise you drag unnecessary ballast into the new relationship. NO separation comes out of the blue. Something stood between you and you both contributed to this having gained something.
If you do not care about this reason for separation now, you will have very similar experiences in future relationships. So of course you would be right if you believe that all women are the same. But you would not be aware that you are the cause of it.
Here are a few typical features for separations that have a lasting disturbing effect:
- The separation was completely unexpected for you
- You were cheated on by your ex
- There are children in the game that you have lost now as well
- Money and possessions have to be split up - in the worst case you have to give up a lot and have very little for yourself
These circumstances definitely lead to frustration and a jarred self-esteem. Now most men find it hard to regain a healthy self-esteem.
And by healthy, I do not mean macho-self-esteem that women generally condemn and just want to use, but a self-confidence that is even strong enough to get back into real closeness and relationship. Unfortunately, in such situations men usually do not go to the coach or therapist and are helped, but they try to get along somehow. Strategies that are definitely NOT helping
- Lawyers on the ex-wife rush including hate and revenge plans
- Too much alcohol or other drugs
- Computer games over hours
- Nighttime television or TV shows are staring
But there are ways out of the frustration of such a breakup. First of all, you have to realize what your share of the breakup was! Yes, there is this share. And only if you know what it was, you have the chance to react differently in the future. That's very simple (psycho) logic. You, too, helped make the relationship come to an end. There are always both involved. And if you are completely honest with yourself, then you have an idea of what it was.
The biggest mistake young people make is believing that after they capture a woman, they do not need to worry about them anymore. That's really FATAL. Of course, it does not have to be conquered anymore and of course the excitement of the beginning eventually stops.
But now comes the fine art of closeness, which is much harder to produce and endure than any flirting. After the infatuation ceases - and she does in every way at some point - the everyday life begins. The men now focus more on everything that happens outside the relationship, the job and the hobbies.
The desire for more contact and closeness comes mostly from women and is often hidden by men. They have a diffuse fear of talking to their own wife forever. They are afraid of not being satisfied and they are usually not so good at expressing their feelings. They then start to dodge and that's the beginning of the end.
If we assume that your wife loves you, then she usually does not want anything wrong with you. She also does not want you to change completely. She simply wants to stay in touch and that is simply the absolute basic prerequisite for a living relationship.
Women do not always want to talk about feelings - some even can not - and they do not want to work on the relationship all the time! A healthy and vibrant relationship simply lives from honesty and sharing with each other about what is really going on in us.
Of course, this is only possible if you know what you think or feel. You have to know yourself. But we all only get to know each other in the course of our lives. This applies to women as well as men. Here we can support each other by talking about what's important to us. It's that simple.
If you want to get to know yourself, start by addressing your needs in ways that do not seem like a reproach. And be open to the needs of your wife or girlfriend. You can work together to find out if, at the moment, the tidy, clean home is more important than a cool and personal exchange that is likely to end in bed. After that, you can still clean up together. It is then experience faster and makes much more fun.
However, if one of you is currently extremely overwhelmed, for example, with the household and the children or with the job and the tense financial situation, you BOTH have a problem! Does not it make it even bigger by asking, for example, the question of guilt or looking for some kind of avoidable solution out of the relationship?
Relationships are always about choosing between the needs of the ICH or WE and making sure that those choices balance as much as possible. Especially as soon as common children are involved, it is your duty to talk to your wife about your needs.
This requires courage, but it pays off and surprising separations are not possible, because when you are in good contact, you realize yourself in time, when it no longer fits between you. Surprisingly, however, separations are rare when couples begin to talk honestly about one's own values and desires.
Even if you are in a situation where you pay high alimony, you only talk about lawyers with your ex-wife, and you see the kids only twice a month, you can at least improve that for you. Solve the following questions as ruthlessly as possible for you
- What is your share of the separation?
- What did you not tell your ex?
- Where did you rather avoid talking to her and instead went to football or to work?
- When did you stop talking about important matters?
- What were you constantly arguing about instead?
I'm not saying that you alone are responsible for the separation. In fact, your ex may actually be largely to blame for the dilemma, but you are 100% responsible for finding a solution for you that will help you and, if you have, help the children to live happily. No one can Do the lawyers of the world for you.
If you are not allowed to see the children, write them a letter every week. Even if they do not read the letters and even if you do not even send the letters. Later, when they are bigger, they will ask for you and prove these letters that you have always thought of them and you keep in touch with them internally. That's the only thing you can do right now.
If there is no legal way to divide the money in a fairer way, you have to pay. That's bitter but these are state taxes too. See it under the same aspect and try not to put too much emotion in there.
The only meaningful revenge you can do now is to get happy - with or without a new partner!
If you do not even find out from the drama, you can even look at your situation with a system statement. This method is about experiencing yourself within personal relationships. You can represent your inner relationship landscape through deputies and find clarity where you really stand.
Sometimes it's about deeper ties within your system that you are not even aware of. If you want to know more about it, just have a look at my homepage.
But as soon as you agree to your share of the separation, you are free for a new love. A flirting seminar at Flirt University provides the necessary courage and motivation to return to women with an open mind and with pleasure.
Have fun, because a life without love and relationship is indeed possible, but only for a few really worthwhile.