Everyone wants to be valued by other people and liked for the character. The more it hurts when we realize during the dating phase that we probably do not fit together as well as we thought during the writing. An honest conversation and both know that probably nothing solid will develop.
But what if such an honest conversation never takes place? If one hopes are always made to the one, but it never comes to a firm relationship? The case is clear: we are dealing with Benching.
When is Benching spoken?
Almost everyone has already gained experience with Benching, without being aware of it.
Benching can come in different forms.
We talk about Benching, for instance, when he only reports on Saturday night at three o'clock in the morning, when he could not tow another. We are also confronted with Benching when we meet again and again, doing things together, but as soon as the subject of "relationship" comes to the table, the other begins to hesitate and explains that he / she is not ready yet and there is still time need.
Benching can also be done online. In a time when online dating is booming and Tinder is installed on almost every single smartphone, it's often not even a real meeting. Instead, many messages are exchanged until the first appointment is made. Unfortunately, the other one writes one night before that he spontaneously has to take on another shift the next day and thus has no time. The same applies to the second and the third date. Always will be canceled shortly before.
The one who is fed, gets repeatedly thrown small appetizers, which can germinate his new hope in him. For example, the phone call and the question of whether they want to drink coffee together on Saturdays. Or the little heart on Instagram or the likes of a picture on Facebook. Or the short message at WhatsApp, how we are doing at the moment.
But a liability, such as a solid relationship? A firm commitment to the other person? None.
We see that unlike Ghosting, the victim is not simply blocked and then ignored, but kept warm until someone else finds something better.
Why are we holding out?
Why do victims make this withholding technique? Very easily. The victim has enormous hopes. If two people have written each other for months and often arranged meetings, but it is suddenly "something intervened" with each date, the other still believes that a real get-together will one day be possible.
If there are always real dates, but the other does not want to get involved in anything solid, the victim usually plays with the game for the reason that the person has already built up feelings. For outsiders, this behavior may not be comprehensible.
With well-intentioned advice in the sense of "Listen, this person has no interest", "He / she is just waiting to find someone better" or "you will be holding out" will not achieve the desired effect. For who really is in love would do everything for the worshiped person. And every little thing that's thrown at him, such as the short message from WhatsApp, again raises hopes that someday the other will be ready for a relationship.
Why does the Bencher hold another?
People who keep other people warm often have trouble making clear decisions. They seek confirmation from their victim, they need the feeling that others are interested, they even like the other person and yet, they do not want a really strong relationship. Binding fears can often be the cause of this behavior.
At the same time, Benchs often have problems with their own self-esteem. They reserve the right to make appointments with other people on the side and exchange their current victim for a new one, if they have found one that they like better. They need the recognition of the victim because they are not at peace with themselves. But that's the reason why they can not get involved in a relationship.
He / she holds me down - how should I react?
How can we behave when we realize that we ourselves are the victim of Benching? If feelings have emerged on our side, it will be difficult for us to draw a clear line. Again and again we give the other person the time he asks us to do. We wonder if we may not be too impatient, so we always have to go back another month, hoping that he will make a clear decision for us.
But it is precisely this final line that is necessary if we want to be happy again. A person who does not know what he wants after several months and asks for a suspension month after month, such a person will never be able to decide and bind himself.
We let us stop. And honestly, the way this person talks to us, we do not deserve that. Of course we do not want to give up the hope that something will develop from us. Yet, being honest with ourselves, we know exactly that we will be held out. A line hurts, but helps us to conclude with the situation. Quite different if we continue to be held out. Then we hope again and again, at the same time again and again disappointed and suffer psychologically enormous.
You did not let yourself be held back any longer and feel like you have not met anybody that suits you since then? Are you afraid that you will not find a partner / partner anymore and stay single for ever? Then inquire for a flirt coaching for women or a flirting seminar for men. Our flirting professionals will show you how you can actively get to know women / men in your everyday life. So you too will be happy. We look forward to hearing from you.